Page Turner: How Books Help our Grief
Postal Service for the Dead grew out of a dream to create an accessible project, both physical and digital, where anyone could nurture their grief when putting pen to paper. According to the ACLU, accessibility “expands opportunities for individuals of all abilities by removing physical, technological, and systemic barriers that may prevent full participation in society through reasonable accommodations, inclusive work and public spaces, and more.” With just stationary and a stamp – we are proud that PSD lowers barriers to healing and allows people to connect with loss through the simple act of writing. As mental health resources continue to be inaccessible, it is imperative that we raise awareness on therapeutic tools within reach.
White enveloped marked with a star postmarked on November 13th, 2023
Some who mail a message to our PO Box choose to have their letters read publicly by marking the envelope with a star. There is an ever-growing cohort of PSD followers who then read the letters. We have heard from our community that by reading the letters, people feel more connected, less alone, and learn about the diverse experience of grief and loss. In addition to expressing yourself through letter writing, knowing that someone will take the time with your story can also be healing.
Just as everyone’s grief journey is unique to themselves, not all tools will be helpful to all people. So if reading letters isn’t your thing – what about reading a book? Not only are books accessible through public libraries (Los Angeles Public Library card holders have access to over 6 million items!) but they come in print, audio, and e-books to fit your learning style. Just as our community has found inspiration in reading letters, we were curious to learn how reading books have supported them through their grief journeys.
In a quick 24-hour Instagram survey, we asked our followers to share their thoughts on the relationship between grief and reading. We received 14 responses who all had the opportunity to remain anonymous or not. Throughout the responses, we noticed three themes:
Reading creates connection: reading other stories about grief and finding shared experiences makes you feel less alone in your grief experience which can be very unique and isolating.
Reading offers safety: whether reading individually or participating in a group experience, the act of reading helps us slow down and process our feelings.
Reading is both solitary and universal: even if you’re reading alone, embracing the words of another human creates a deep sense of connection.
Thank you to all who responded to our survey and shared your experiences with reading. Whether you are an avid reader or haven’t picked up a book in years, we hope you find some inspiration in their responses and explore how books can support your grief journey.
How has reading impacted your grief journey?
“Reading has helped me gain different perspectives on how to handle, navigate, and think about my grief.” Anonymous
“It’s helped put words to feelings I couldn’t describe.” Anonymous
“I’ve picked up reading again.” Christy B.
“It provides connection and shows me that I am not alone in my experiences.” Ashley Coleman
“I listened to a ton of audiobooks about grief right after my live in boyfriend of 7 years died.” Anonymous
“Reading has helped me tremendously — knowing that I’m not alone on my grief journey.” Kiana Naimi, LCSW
“Reading has been helpful and informative on my grief journey.” Anonymous
“Reading depictions of loss and grief have helped me process feelings I didn’t know I was experiencing.” Valerie
“Reading while grieving is therapeutic. It helps me remember & gives me a safe space to feel. Though the books I read aren’t about grief outright, adjacent storylines & characters nurture the feelings I’m processing. They surprise me at times, much like moments of sadness, bittersweet joy, or gratitude.” Oriana Kaufmann
“Reading helped me process and also helped me see new perspectives on the human experience of grief (to go within oneself and beyond oneself). It also is just a good practice and having different practices that can accompany me through different the different stages of grief was really helpful.” Anonymous
“Reading allows an inside private insular track into grief relief and identification with a writer's written identity. A possible chance to relate and bond with said work.” Anonymous
“Reading about grief is the closest I come to feeling understood in my grief. Grief is so universal but also entirely unique, and it must be experienced individually, and reading is one way to connect with the universality of grief and to feel seen. I read for comfort. I read for solace.” Laurel Fadness
Are there books that stand out as particularly helpful to your grief journey? Why were they helpful?
“The Way Forward by Yung Pueblo. It showed me ways to think about my journey as a whole and how to approach grief as a way of learning more about myself.” Anonymous
“The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. Helped me realize there is a lot of shared experiences with people going through grief.” Anonymous
“Sara Rian’s books about grief. Many of these poems embody my grief journey and feelings.” Christy B.
“Rough House by Tina Ontiveros. She had a difficult relationship with her father, and her grief in this book reflects the parts of her father that she misses and the parts she resents. When my father died as a result of his alcohol use, I went through similar emotions - being angry at the ways he hurt and failed me, while also pining for the good memories I had of him. To see my own journey reflected in Ontiveros’ writing was profoundly cathartic. She acknowledges to pain and struggle of loving and grieving complicated people.” Ashley Coleman
“I’m listing authors because there are too many to count: nora mcinerny, Stephanie Wittels, Anna Akana, Donte Collins (Autopsy), Brenna Towy (Swallow Tail), There isn’t a specific reason for me at that time in my life I was just trying to feel less alone because I was 29 and none of my friends could relate to the kind of death I was experiencing and it was more about specific passages that stood out to me or specific poems.” Anonymous
“The Grieving Brain and The Grieving Body both by Dr. Mary Francis O’Conner.” Kiana Naimi, LCSW
"The In-Between: Unforgettable Encounters During Life's Final Moments by Hadley Vlahos, RN, and Briefly Perfectly Human by Alua Arthur. These two books have helped me recognize that death is a part of the journey of life, not the end point.” Anonymous
“In the Pocket of Small Gods by Anïs Mojgani was so impactful for me. I still think about it. It deals with a suicide of the speakers brother.. the poet used mythology to process the immensity of his loss in relation to the depth and weight of his grief.” Valerie
“Not any book in particular. There are instances & moments that slip in, sometimes when I least expect them. I mainly read fiction, so it’s through the characters & their relationships that the author has built that help the process, the remembering, & the grief.” Oriana Kaufmann
“Consolations by David Whyte and Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet.” Anonymous
“CS Lewis- A Grief Observed.” Anonymous
“I read poetry when I am down. Poetry's greater leaps and bounds with freedom of thought in form and content (as opposed to novels) feels great in such situations. If not poetry, I always come back to fantastic lit, like The Lord of The Rings because fantasy is always an ideal escape from blue subjects such as death.” Anonymous
“Lots of poetry especially- mourning songs, poems of sorrow and beauty. Marie Howe, What the Living Do, Elegy by Mary Jo Bang, all of Victoria Chang's poetry. Ada Limon, The Hurting Kind. Poetry has been essential to my grief journey, as the right poem feels so true it hurts in the best way. There are some graphic novels I have found comfort in, like Hello Grief by Allessandra Olanow, 49 days by Agnes Lee, and James Norbury's The Dog Who Followed the Moon. And of course, Joan Didion's Blue Nights and the Year of Magical Thinking. I am not religious but I am spiritual, and I have found comfort in much of the writing of Thich Nhat Hanh, especially No Death, No Fear, and how to live when a loved one dies. I could go on, but these are some books that have brought me comfort.” Laurel Fadness
Anything else you want to share about the relationship between grief and reading?
“Even though grief can be communal, it is also a deeply personal experience. As with reading, you have to take it at your own pace.” Anonymous
“It has become a sense of comfort.” Christy B.
“Reading has always been my escape, and I think that for many of us it is a safe place to process our emotions because we are connecting without being perceived. We aren’t actively in conversation with anyone, but we are still able to feel seen and understood.” Ashley Coleman
“It helped me understand that no matter what I’m alone in my grief journey because each relationship to an individual is unique to each person but that doesn’t mean community doesn’t exist plus the books I read taught me how to show up for others and not just give out platitudes most of this comes from Nora McInery.” Anonymous
“Reading also provides safe space for the various emotions that come up as a result of grief —not only am I not alone, it’s okay to feel what I feel. As a grief therapist, I take it a step further and incorporate writing into my sessions, because when clients can put pen to paper and then read it out loud in session, that helps the neurons in their brain even more”. Kiana Naimi, LCSW
“Reading has been my go to for basically every need in life so makes sense reading would be a safe space to process grief as well.” Anonymous
“It really helps to read about losses that were something like mine? It sounds weird, but it helped me feel less alone.” Valerie
“Processing grief is non-linear, much like growth or healing. There are stages, yes; missing a person comes in waves. These waves can be as predictable as the tides, like lighting a candle to think of them, or as sudden as a storm in the middle of the ocean, like an ache to call & hear their voice when that cannot be. The small reminders of them that can be found in the pages of a book are gentle, easing their memory into the forefront of my mind.” Oriana Kaufmann
“Reading is always such an escape when in the throes of loss due to death. The more it happens, the more I value reading and lit as a way of coping with loss.” Anonymous
“Reading is an exercise in empathy, and for me personally there are few better ways to both feel connected with other people's pain and grief, and to honor your own by sitting with it, feeling it, allowing it to breathe. Grief never goes away, but it does get somewhat easier to carry, and reading has helped me learn to sit next to my grief as friends. Grief is love.” Laurel Fadness